Today, people see me as a strong and capable woman, who can take on any challenge. A woman who knows how to stand up for herself and lives a life the way she likes it. And that’s how I really am, to be completely honest. But anyone that knows me, knows that deep inside lies a fragile and defenseless little girl, who was suffering from anorexia. She is part of my personality, a part that I laid bare for the world to see. With all my experience, I learned how to control this part so that it never takes over again, but it will always stay within me. Just like the memory of all the years when it controlled me. Below is a quick description of my life – I want you to get to know me better, because people will believe those they trust.
On my first day, I was a completely normal child. Just like all infants. My parents were overjoyed. They didn’t have the slightest clue that this little thing would cause so many tears…
All the way to the age of five, my grandmother and grandfather were looking after my brother and me. I was the happiest little kid! I played the piano with my grandmother, pretended we were artists sculpturing with clay, and learned good manners. I walked around with my grandfather, played with Legos, played chess and teased our grandmother a little bit. The world was perfect!
Around the age of six, I started preschool. I found myself in a big group of children. That very second, it became crystal clear that I did not know how to fit into a group. I was a shy girl, hiding in the corner and playing with only one friend.
I started school, where I spent the next eight years of my life. At first, I was happy. But as I got older, I realized that my shyness was creating a huge chasm between me and my peers.
Who will dance with me? Will anyone ask me out for a drink in the afternoon? Who will I study with? Will my crush ever notice me?
I was becoming lonelier and my body craved for something that would bring it back to life. I started working out. I lost weight. Everybody noticed me! Would beauty bring me friends? Would I finally be normal? I didn’t even notice that I was already obsessed with weighing and eating healthy. I become so obsessed that I’d starve myself to 75 lbs. It became so serious that my parents took over my life and said, “Enough!” They made me eat, they constantly weighed me, and took me to thousands of doctors. They turned my life into hell. I didn’t have a clue that this would take so long…
I really was different. I was setting different goals than my peers. I prioritized differently than my peers. As a teenager, this bothered me. I could not accept this as a strength, because, at the time, I didn’t know that it’s perfectly okay to be different. I started to suffer even more. I spent more time being displeased with my life than actually living it, and I didn’t know how to solve my problems other than by losing weight.
I was the best! These were the thoughts that pushed me into loneliness every day. I’d find myself at the point where things turned really bad. I didn’t have a limit. Not even my parents could stop me anymore. I was of age and I took responsibility for myself. That’s when I started to fall towards the cold hard ground. One day I felt the coldness of the ground and realized that my actions have no limits. I would die if I didn’t change something! That scared me! Death scared me!
And I found a way! I also reached the day when I could cross off the many things that labeled me over the past years: ANOREXIA, NO SELF-CONFIDENCE, NO FAITH IN MYSELF, LONELINESS.
Let me tell you, this was the hardest battle of my life! It was also the most important experience that made me into who I am today. I believe that I have the power that makes me capable of facing anything. I know I can take on any challenge that life throws my way. And today, I know just how important it is to fight for something.
I don’t see the tears in my parents’ eyes anymore. I can’t see them in mine either. I finally turned my world around. The world is beautiful again!
I still do sports, but not to become a skeleton, but because this is something that I truly enjoy. Even the word “being the best” has a healthy meaning this time, because I don’t limit my life, and also because I can handle the thoughts in my head to the point where it allows me to grow.
I finally let myself enjoy what I was trying so hard to do my whole life. I cannot say that I regret that it happened. It clearly had to happen. But I am thankful that it is over and that I can leave it all behind, as if it never happened. Now I live a new life, and I close the chapter of my old life with this book, with which I want to tell all those struggling with an eating disorder to give themselves a chance, because it is so damn worth it!