Crashing into a fence along the highway would be too simple. All it would take would be to quickly turn the wheel, and I would forever erase all problems that were literally killing me at that time. I had the power to end it all. Or maybe I just desperately believed this, as my life at the time was far from simple and nothing seemed to indicate that anything would change – why would this time be any different? And it wasn’t. My hands wouldn’t move, and my head couldn’t convince them otherwise. It was more than obvious that my pain would not end today. At least I wasn’t able to end it myself.
The road sloped upward and my old car started losing speed. At that moment, I lost any chance of ending it all – and I was clearly aware of it. I was right, I really am useless! The thought shot into my heart, piercing it to its very core, and tears started pouring. What was I about to do just now!? How could I have let myself fall so low, to a depth so painful, that I was willing to trade my own life for this pain to end!? My old car suddenly became too small, too enclosed, too airless. I thought I was going to suffocate. I was just about to take my own life. I wanted to take my own life, without even fighting for a change! I kept repeating these words in my head, letting tears flow across my cheeks. Deep inside, I knew I didn’t want to die. I was ever more aware of the fact that I was facing too many painful, lonely and desperate days. Days with anorexia.
At that moment, nothing was simple. Life obviously placed me before a challenge that I somehow had to overcome. There were no time-outs in this game, and there was no finishing it before the end. I had to complete it to the end, but I didn’t know how to play it.
I somehow managed to drive my old, too enclosed car all the way home and, still crying, to somehow get to my apartment on the third floor. Once I shut the door, I hugged my white fluffy dog and started yelling that I can’t handle this anymore! It seemed as if she understood me. She let my tears flow across her velvety fur, and she didn’t care about my raised voice. She was just there, letting me know that I still had her. She let me know that I have a home where I can find comfort. She gave me hope. And with this hope, I finally fell asleep… I decided to fight!
Well, anorexia is not come teenager whim, nor is it something you decide on. If I could choose, I would pick a smile on my face and chocolate in my hand every single time. But I didn’t have this option. Even as a young girl, I faced a test, where I fought myself and experienced some of the most difficult moments of one’s life. Until the end of my life, I will know how it feels when no one loves you, and how your circle of friends is reduced to zero. I will never stop being afraid of the pain you feel when you stop believing in yourself, and think only vile and mean thing of yourself. And I will never forget the moment I asked myself if it was even worth it anymore. This thin line that decides whether you’ll experience something else in life, or if life truly has nothing else to offer you. The line is thin, and anorexia is something that pulls you from this line towards the wrong end! Anorexia is an indescribably painful and tremendously dangerous disorder. To suffer from anorexia means to have a dangerous disorder, and not in any way to have made a conscious decision.
The only decision you make with this disorder is to fight against it. When you choose the long, arduous path, with many more downs than ups. And when you decide to persevere. Day after day, month after month, year after year. Until the day you finally succeed. When you’re once again able to smile. And take a bit of chocolate once again. THAT is the decision. Anorexia, on the other hand, is NOT a decision.
However, the decision you make is worth is. And I’m grateful that on that day in my old care life decided not to be simple. Because I won on that day. On that day, I made the decision to overcome anorexia!
At that time, it seemed as if no one really knew what was happening in my head and to me. I even felt bad because of this. I survived a horrible experience and have to live with certain consequences even today, but no one knew this at the time. I simply had to change something. I wrote my story down and it became a book. A book that can actually change lives. It dawned on me that I can use it to help others. How many people can I let know that I felt what they’re feeling and lived through what they’re living through now. I can let them know that they’re not alone, and I can provide some advice on how to achieve what I’ve achieved.
My idea became reality! And it certainly couldn’t stay just in my home country, Slovenia. How best to do this than to start a Kickstarter campaign, and to share my experience in English? Let it circle the world! Let it become a warning that such stories, like my own, happen! And they happen often. Too often. So support my project, and let’s create an opportunity for change, together! Because something has to change… Follow my project at www.notice-me.net and become part of our growing community and help me raise awareness about eating disorders.